Luis,
The seconds tick on and on, and the gap from when I last saw you is getting bigger… From when I last heard your voice. I wish we were closer. I say it all the time, and I put the same thoughts into the same words constantly. In hopes maybe one day it’ll all make sense, to you or me. I just want to know the truth. But I know that even the truth will seem like a lie because that’s what I do. I push people away for unreal reasons. I’m so scare I’ll be hurt again, that I make things up if I believe it’ll save me an ounce of pain. I don’t want people to have the power to destroy me like they once did. I don’t want anyone to have the power to break me again. That’s why staying close to you is so hard. I pull you in, then push you away, in the matter of seconds. Because I love you, but I’m scared of anyone having that power over me. I’m scared to just hand you my heart and let you hold it, because I’m scared you won’t keep it safe. So I hover, and look for unreal things. It’s fucking stupid. I know. But inside my head, it seems so logical. Then I write it down, and read it to myself, and all I can think of is how ridiculous I am. About how hard I must be for you to deal with… Right now, it’s 10:27pm. You’re phone is back on, but you didn’t answer when I called, and haven’t called back. I haven’t talked to you today. I wish you could understand why I hate her, why I hate that you two are friends. I feel like you of all people should get it. But you don’t and it drives me absolutely crazy. Minutes are passing as I stare at the walls of my room. It’s dark. I can feel myself fading in and out of sleep, but the hope that you’ll call mr back soon is keeping me up a little longer…
…
You’ll call soon. I know you’re probably just busy…

10:52. You just called. It bothers me how much you care for her. Would you be like that for me? If I was falling apart? …. I don’t even want to know the answer. We’re not close like you two. I kills me….. It’s like taking a knife to the heart.

Luis,
It’s April 18th. We’ve been dating almost six months now. Reading back, I miss us. And I wish I didn’t fuck everything up for us. It feels like we’re holding on to nothing… I don’t know if you love me, and after dating me it four months trying to get me to break up with you, I don’t know what’s real and what’s not. I can’t tell the difference between what I feel and what I want to feel, or what you feel, and what l want you to feel. So much has pulled us from each other. We’ve pulled away from each other to protect ourselves. Will the distance ever leave though? Or will there always be this huge gaping hole between us that we just try to ignore? I’m in love with you. Madly and deeply. I don’t want to be with someone else. I love you. I think that we can make it if we try. But I feel like no ones trying because we’re scared to be hurt again. We put all our faith into something that ended up killing us. Something that ended up ripping out heart out. I do this all the time. I pour my heart out in these notes. I don’t even know if you read them. I don’t even give them all to you. I wish we could be in love like we were. Reading old notes from you used to make me so happy, now I feel heart broken all over again. There’s so many things I want to tell you. So much that for through my head. But you act like you don’t care. Do you care like you did? At all? There’s nothing I can do, and I know I need to accept it. But letting go of the past is really hard for me. And I wish you’d help me. I wish I knew what was wrong with me. I wish I could help me. I love you. More than anything. Seriously. I would do anything to make you happy. I just wish I could believe I was what made you happy. When we broke up, it seriously felt like everything was going to be back to normal. Like something changed. Like everything was perfect again. What happened? Did we fall into the worlds of others again? Did we fall into the sting of untrue words? I feel like you’re falling through my fingers. I feel like I’m losing you. Is it crazy? Am I crazy?